Nobody really tells you about how hard life can become when you accept Jesus into your heart. It's a lot of excitement, joy, and new life which is truly amazing, don't get me wrong, but it's also really hard. For many it's a complete life change. What was completely normal at one point may now be a struggle.
When I finally said yes to Jesus six years ago, I can honestly say I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I guarantee you it didn't have me working in Middle School Ministry or have graduate school in the picture, and yet here we are folks. The hardest part of these six years though have been behind the scenes. It's been fighting for the person inside me who wants to be free but not allowing that person to exist because that person could be dangerous. That person goes against the normalcy that has been created in my mind, it goes against culture. It's only been in the past year and a half that I have truly recognized that I can be that person longing to be released and begging to be free.
I will be one of the first people to admit that I am a mess. I once was afraid of the mess, and at times still can be, but for the most part, I'm all about embracing the mess. Every week I drive anxiously to pick up my coffee, and drive more anxiously, to sit in an office and talk about the messiness that life brings. And you know what...it sucks. It really does, but as much as it sucks, it's so worth it. There are times I have walked out, wanted to run out, and cried tears of joy because something finally clicked. This is what keeps me going. Six years ago I wouldn't have even thought of stepping foot into a place like this, but that's the thing about God, he tends to have a different plan for us.
I was convinced that if I could just keep everything I was dealing with of the light I was doing good, but honestly the longer I kept things hidden, the more anxious I grew, the more weight I felt pile on my shoulders. The more I was running from God, the more I was running myself into the ground. And here’s the funny thing about running from God, you can’t outrun Him! The day I finally let someone see just a glimpse into the real me was one of the most freeing (and awful) days of my life. I was no longer holding everything by myself. I was no longer a slave to fear but was one step closer to finding my true self. Even if it takes another 6 years to get there, I know it will all be worth it.
From one human to the next,