When I started this blog, I made a commitment to be authentic and real with everything that I post and share. This one is no exception, but this is a warning. I have been questioning a lot about life recently and this post may not be as encouraging or inspirational as something I may usually write, but I can fully say this is real, this is me being fully present in the state that I am in.
I am a Twentysomething, and that word holds so much more than just a number. It holds struggle, freedom, questions, uncertainty, disillusionment, laughter, adventure, and so much more. If you are a Twentysomething and reading this, and you connect with any of those terms I want you to understand one major thing: you are not alone.
The other day I looked into the mirror and simply said, "I don't even know who you are anymore." And to be honest, in that moment I wasn't sure if it was me or God talking. Maybe both.
In the book of Matthew Jesus is talking to his Disciples and eventually says to them, "Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.'..." (Matthew 7:21-23)
Friends, it's been awhile since I have had the strength to sit and willingly open my bible to read God's word. I do it, because it's my job and I keep being told I need to. There have been days when I can't even look at it because I am filled with anger. There have been days when I have cried rivers through these pages because it was too hard to read or I questioned everything I was hearing. To be real, if for some reason I was to meet God tonight, I get the feeling that our conversation would be something like this:
Me: "Woah, God? Wait, does this mean I'm dead? What's your favorite color, food, number, city, country, music genre, movie?"
God: "I'm sorry you are?"
I can be a bit like Buddy the Elf, especially with people I look up to. And that's the worst feeling, to want to know so much about somebody but feel turned down or to feel unimportant. Remember that question "if you could have dinner with anybody, who would it be?" I'm totally that person who has an ongoing list because my dinner would be a dinner party.
Those four words terrify the heck out of me though. To stand face to face with the greatest artist of all time, the one who created our beating hearts, coffee, and Dr.Pepper and have Him say, "I never knew you." That's something to get your mind going.
It may take every ounce of strength I have right now to open my bible, it may mean I text multiple people in my urban tribe to pray for me because I simply can't do it, or it may even mean having a dear friend literally read God's Word over me as I laying crying on their shoulder. But I refuse to let the enemy in, I refuse to let myself stop struggling and fighting to be known by God and to know Him back.
From one human to the next,