These past few weeks have been a crazy journey. From unexpected situations, midterms, fighting off zombies, a tornado and even fighting off some serious spiritual warfare, all I can say is wow. How I am still managing to stand, breathe, talk, basically be a human, is all to the mighty mysterious glory of God. I first want to give a huge thank you to everyone that has continued to support me on this Honduras adventure, all donations and consistent praying has been an extreme not only privilege to see but as well as a gigantic blessing. I also want to give a shout out to my amazing teammates and friends who have been another huge support in this crazy time of life, I love you all dearly and love being able to share a life with you all! A week ago I experienced something so amazing, terrifying, exciting and confusing. It has been a few weeks and I still have trouble completely understanding what happened. I had heard of spiritual warfare before, but never though something so terrifying would happen to me. After experiencing some serious out-of-body, depersonalization, heaviness, and death, my friend I was with that night said I was surrounded by Jesus in what she called a "Jesus Bubble", and at that point, my confusion and frustration reached an all time high. After what seemed to be the longest night of my life, I woke up the next morning exhausted. And when I say exhausted, I mean felt like I ran 3 marathons back to back, and if you know me...I don't run. Needless to say, it was an interesting day trying to piece all the puzzles back together and figure out basically what in the world happened. The rest of the week after everything happened was probably one of the hardest, most amazing, weeks I have been able to experience. I have always been a fairly out going person, at least I like to think I am, and so everyday that week I had met with someone for a one-on-one just to talk life and get to know each other on a deeper level. However, there was one meeting in particular where I was challenged to look at God's goodness in a different light. This is how I realized God's goodness can come from our struggles.
What does God's good really mean to you?
This may seem like a simple question to some people, obviously bringing out the basic definitions of good such as showing kindness, or something that is pleasing. Now don't get me wrong, these are amazing things but I am talking about a different "good". I'm talking about the hard "good" that nobody seems to want to talk about too often. In Psalm 73 we can see how these two ideas of "good" come in to play. In the beginning, Asaph compares good with being perfect, he believed that as long as he was righteous nothing bad would happen to him. As we get to the end of the Psalm however, we see a complete change in Asaph, he realizes that his suffering was what brought him closer to God. "But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." (Psalm 73:28) Whatever draws us in to a deeper fellowship and relationship with God is actually "good". For myself this has come during some of the darkest moments in my life. It was in those places that I realized the suffering and pain I was enduring was not only helping me grow as a person, but growing my faith in learning to trust God and literally surrender my life. Because at those points, I couldn't do anything else except be still, and let God take over.
My prayers for a while now have been asking God to give me a word, just one word that He wants me to use for this year. The same word had come up in almost every prayer that was prayed over me, the word Warrior. This was extremely strange to me when I first was realizing that this was the word God had given to me. Warrior? God, do you see me right now? I am a wreck, a mess, there is no part of me that is a warrior or even close to that. Until I finally understood that through every painful event, every struggle, every bad though that entered my mind, I fought, and I fought hard. I am a Warrior, and not just any warrior, but a beautifully broken, hardheaded warrior for God.
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Continue to check back for more updates, I am officially half-way to my goal of $2500! We leave in 2 months!